Secrets & Lies (200)
by loveajcook
Summary: This story is about episode 200. I'm not writing all flashbacks so if you've seen the episode before you read this you might understand it better. Please leave a review (:
1. Chapter 1

**I'm writing 200 like I wrote Hit & Run. Around chapter 3 my story will be different from the episode. I'll try to update once a week. Please write a review or tweet me what you think ( ajismymuse) xx**

_''In life, when something bad happens to you, don't let it keep you down, you have to try and move on and be happy, it's not that you're ignoring the past, it's just that you have decided to stop living it.''_ **~ Author Unknown**

I was waiting at the fountain. The cold wind through my hair. I felt like someone was watching, I didn't saw him coming. He was there, out of nowhere. Before I could do something, before I noticed what was going on a hand covered my mouth. I fought and tried to get away but no luck.

When I started to wake up I felt that I was being dragged but I didn't have the strenght to fight. I couldn't see anything becuase I had a bag over my head but I felt I was being gagged. I felt myself being pushed in a chair. Cuffs around my hands and then my feet. Once the bag was off my head I tried to concentrate on what was going on. This wasn't a room I knew. That's when I saw him standing there, my anger raised. I couldn't believe he was doing this, I tried to get up and attack him but I was cuffed to the chair and two men hold me back. He got a needle in his hand and walked to me. I felt the needle being pushed it in my skin. I tried to fight whatever he gave me until I couldn't.  
Before I blacked out I heard him say _''If I were you, I'd save my strenght. Shhh.''_ and then I let the darkness overcome.

_''When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strenghten you.''_


	2. Chapter 2

**Wrote this quickly because next chapter is going to be different from the episode! xx**

I was barely consicous when I haer someone being dragged in the room. Askari turned my head and I saw Cruz he was chained up as well. He looked my way a noticed me. ''they're trying to acces integraty we cant let them get'' he couldn't finish because one of askari's men hit him in the face. askari: ''I know exactly how to get what I want. he let go of my face and I turned to look straight ahead. my cuffs were opened and before I knew it my hands where cuffed together.

I was scared but I wasn't going to show them that. They chained my hands to the ceiling. I was on my knees just like Cruz. I saw Askari with a towel and a bucket of water. I knew what was going to happen. I knew how far his torture technics went to get information. I had seen it in Afghanistan. He put the towel over my head and threw water on it. I wondered if this was what Rosaline had felt before she died. She did it by choice. Maybe I'd see her again, one day but today was not that day. I had to fight.

I couldn't breathe, just when my lungs where about to give up the towel was removed and I gasped for air. I wasn't going to give up, I want going to break. I had to keep going, for her Will & Henry in my head I waited for the next torture. I was going to fight because I needed to hold Henry one more time and kiss Will once again

I though back of Afghanistan, the inside man, the baby. Thinking about the baby made tears in my eyes. I knew I had to face my insurmourntable loss but I just couldn't. Will and I had been trying and all because of the mission I'd lost it. I never told him, it would break his heart.  
Will, my husband, the father of my son and the love of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

**First of all, I'm sorry about the typos in the last chapter. This chapter includes the twist. I hope you like it and review! xx**

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_''The storm starts, when the drops start dropping. When the drops stop dropping then the storm starts stopping.'' _** Dr. Seuss**

One of Askari's men walked over to Cruz. I started yelling, _''no no no, what are you doing.''_ Cruz told me it's okay. How was this okay, they were going to kill him. I was tired and emotional but most of all, I was angry. Angry at myself for not being able to protect Cruz and angry at the men who took us. '_'You son of a bitch.''_ I yelled, hoping it would make a difference. Hoping it would stop them from killing Cruz but in vain. One of Askari's men pointed the gun at Cruz, _''It's okay.'' _He said.  


Askari started talking. _''You have five seconds to give me what I want.'' _

_''No''_ I told him

_''5''_

_''You don't want to do this.''_

_''4''_

_''You kill him, your plan is ruined''_

_''3''_

_''Stop counting.''_

_''2''_

_''Please.''_ I begged him, I saw the terrified look in Cruz his eyes. A look I wouldn't forget any time soon

_''1''_

_''No.''_ I yelled but before I knew a shot was fired, straight through Cruz his chest. _''No''_ I yelled once again. I knew the shot was already fired but I hoped that it would help some way.

Tears filled my eyes. Paralyzed I stared at the blood, floading from the wound. I wanted to turn my head away but Askari turned my face back. He made me watch Cruz die, he made me listen to his last breath. I couldn't holds back the tears anymore. The warm tears fell good on my cold cheeks. I realized I was freezing but I didn't care. All I was focused on was Cruz his body. _''Let her down.''_ I heard Askari say to one of his men. When they put down the chains my body hit the ground. I crawled to Cruz his body and begged him to wake up. How was I supposed to do this all by myself. I felt dizzy in my head and the room started moving. I blacked out.

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_''Hey, welcome back, how was your trip home? What's wrong?'' _

_''Nothing's wrong, I'm pregnant.''_

_I always understood what it was like to lose someone that means the world to you, I understood what it was like to lose a sister. I never understood my mom, I never understood what it was like to lose a child but now I do. I lost my baby and there's nothing I can do to get it back. I think about it everyday, if it would have been a boy, or a girl. A baby sister for Henry, or a brother._

_''What happend?''_

_''Convoy was attacked.''_

_''Hastings?''_

_''Taken, by Askari's men.'' _

_There was a small silence before Cruz continued._

_''There's something else.''_

_''No, no, no.'' this couldn't be true, this couldn't happen to me._

_''I'm so sorry.''_

_''No.'' I looked down and put my hands at my stomach. I turned my head away from Cruz. I just needed to be alone._

_No matter what would happen, the baby will live in my heart forever._

_''Heaven will hold you before I do and keep you safe until I come home to you.'' **~ Sandra**_


	4. Chapter 4

**A short chapter because Vale (Vale_VictoriA on twitter, follow her she's awesome) will write the next chapter, but she's on vacation for a week. When she's back she will write it and I will upload it as soon as possible. (: xx**

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_''Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.''_ ~** Haruki Murakami**

I lost track of time

I had no idea how long I'd been here

What I did know was that I wanted to get out of here

Back to my husband

Back to my son

Back to my life

My wrists hurt, my back ached and I was tired

I felt like I was going to break

But I didn't gave up, I had lost too many during this journey

My baby died and that was enough, I wouldn't let anyone destroy anything anymore

I knew that when Askari would come back, it was the moment to fight

The moment to live or to die

I knew that I wouldn't be the same if I got out of here

I would be different, the way I changed when I worked for the State Department

I left as a Media Liaison and came back as a profiler

I came back being stronger but I lost something too, I lost someone too.

_''I believe that erything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.'' ~ _**Marilyn Monroe**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it took me so long to update. I know I said someone else would write this chapter but I wrote it myself in the end. Hope you like it and review if I should keep going or end it. (sorry if there are misspellings) xx**

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_''There are two types of people in the world: those who prefer to be sad among others, and those who prefer to be sad alone.'' ~_ **Nicole Krauss**

_''Give us the code or I'll make sure you lose more than a baby.''_

His words stuck in my head, how did he know I was pregnant? He couldn't know. I told Matt before Hastings came to tell me about Emily. Wait, that's it. Hastings! He's behind all of this.

Once Askari was back I made sure he knew I knew. Hastings came in and walked over to me. He turned my head to Matt's body that was still on the ground. _''That right there Jareau, that's your fault. You're the reason he's dead, you killed him.''_ He walked over to the table and grabbed the needle. He stuck it in my arm again and I started feeling dizzy. The room moved and the last thing I saw was Matt's body. Then I blacked out.

I woke up from a sound, I recognized it. Slowly I opened my eyes, I saw Will with Henry in his arms. _''JJ, Come home save. Give them the codes and come home.'' _I turned my head, I felt like I was hallucinating. When I looked back I hoped to see Will and Henry again, I missed them. But no luck. Tears filled my eyes, I missed them so much. I felt like I was going to break.

Hastings came back and pulled up my chains. I was standing again, my feet barely touching the ground. I shoulders started to hurt in this uncomfortable position. _''I know you lost a baby, but we could make another one.''_ Hastings said, I felt disgust when he touched my stomach. _''You know, I'm just going to enjoy myself. When you're ready to give me the codes you can tell me.''_ He said while he unbuttoned my shirt. He slowly moved his hands down to my pants and opened it. I turned my head away. I wasn't going to give him the codes, he could kill me and I still wouldn't give them. He killed Matt so I was prepared to fight till the end. _''like I said before, Cruz didn't have to die if you gave me the codes. His death is on you.''_ He said while his hands moved under my shirt. I knew he was trying to break me but a part of me believed him, believed that Matt was dead because of me. _''You can threaten to kill me, I won't give you the codes.''_ I spat in his face. I got a slap across the face in response. He continued what he was doing, he was about to put my pants down when the lights went off. I knew they had found me, I just hoped Will wasn't with them. I knew if Will saw me he would kill him, but that was something I wanted to do.

_''I'm going to the roof.''_ Hastings left and Askari had to finish up. Askari slashed his man's throat. That was the second person I had seen being killed. He walked over to me and I knew what he was going to do to me. _''No, no please.''_ I begged him. His hand with the knife was in front of my throat when the door swung open. Hotch shot the guy and came in, followed by Will and Emily. I let my breath out, knowing I was save. _''Emily, I knew they would call you.''_ Emily walked over to Askari to find the key for my chains. _''Prentiss, I'm going to find Hastings.''_ Hotch said and he left. Will walked to me and looked at me, I could see that his heart broke when he saw me. Emily opened the chains and I fell into Will's arms. _''I love you Will, I love you.''_ That's when I pulled away from Will and before he could say something I ran to the door, grabbing a gun on the way. _''JJ!'' _I heard both Will and Emily yell but I didn't care, I knew Hastings was going to the roof and I had to end this. He killed my baby and he would regret that. I heard Emily and Will running behind me. Once I was on the roof I saw Hastings and shot at him, I missed. He shot back and Emily catched up with me. Will not far behind. I ran after Hastings again, but Emily beat me to him and she jumped at him, causing them both to fall down, but they got up quickly. His fist connected with her cheeck and she fell down with her head on the floor. I didn't noticeshe fell unconscious. Now it was my turn. I struggled with him and we rolled down the end of the roof. Will, who finally catched up on us saw us rolling down the edge. _''JJ!''_ He yelled. I saw that Hastings had fallen down but I managed to hold on to the end of the roof with one hand. _''Will!'' _ I yelled, I felt my hand slipping away from the roof until I didn't have anything to hold on anymore.

Will ran to the edge and got my's wrist just when I fell down. He pulled me up and I wanted to pull in his hug when I saw Emily laying there, unconscious. _''Emily!''_ I ran over to her and her eyes opened. I let the tears fall down and Will pulled me in a hug. Will's shirt smelled like him. A smell i had missed.

When we got down I saw Morgan and Reid, I was glad to see them again. I hugged them and then walked to Emily, I hadn't thanked her yet. I pulled her in a hug, _''Thank you.''_ I whispered in her ear.

_''When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you.'' _ **Friedrich Nietzsche**


	6. Chapter 6

**Help if you want bacause I'm not sure how to continue this story so all the help is welcome. Review or tweet me if you have an idea how to keep this story going. xx**

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_''When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.'' ~_ **Bernard Meltzer**

_''Emily how much longer do we have you?'' _Hotch asked, looking at his watch. He didn't want her to leave already.

_''Um six hours''_

_''That's too soon.''_ Garcia didn't want her friend to leave to London again, she always was such a great part of this team.

_''It's more than we had yesterday.''_

_''I'm just glad I finally got to meet you. I heard such amazing things.''_

_''All Lies.''_ Emily said joking. They all laughed.

_''No more lies, nothing but the truth from now on.''_ I said. I smilled and kissed my husband, but in the inside Hastings words echoed through my head. _ You're the reason he's dead, you killed him. His death is on you._ He was right, his dead was on me. If I had just given him the codes Matt would still be alive, he could have been here with us.

On the way back home I couldn't help but ask Will, _''Will, I knew what you were thinking but it didn't happen. You guys came just in time.'' _I tried to convince him. Maybe I tried to convince myself and not even Will, trying to convince myself nothing happened and Hastings didn't break me. I couldn't convince myself. He did break me. Not by torturing me, not by almost raping me but by blaming Matt's death on me. I believed him and now I blame myself.

_''JJ, I thought-''_ Will started but cut in ''I_ know what you thought but it didn't happen.''_

We pulled up in the driveway, Henry was at a friends tonight so Will and I had some time for ourselfs. I knew I had to tell him but I didn't want to. I was scared of his reaction, I was scared of what I might say but most of all I was scared he would leave me. I went to the bedroom and put on my running clothes, they were the most comfortable. I walked back to the livingroom where I saw Will staring out the window. I watched him for a while until I started to talk.

_''Will, can we sit down? I need to talk to you about something.'' ''JJ what is it?''_ Will asked after we both sat down on the couch.

_''Remember when we tried to get pregnant? I was in Afghanistan and I found out I was pregnant. I didn't tell you because I wanted to tell you in person but when convoy was attacked I woke up and- and Matt told me. He told me we lost it, that the baby was_ _gone.'' _The words just came and it felt so good to finally tell someone. Tears escaped from my eyes. I tried to look at Will's reaction, but his face was just empty.

_''I knew you would hate me, I'm sorry I couldn't protect out child.'' _I started but Will interrupted.

_''JJ why didn't you tell?'' _

_'__'Because you didn't know I was pregnant so if I told you I lost the baby it would just hurt you. I'm so sorry but I thought you would leave me.'' _

_''Leave you? JJ you and Henry are my everything. __You went through all that by yourself? You could have told me, I would have been there for you. We would have coped with this together. I'm so sorry JJ.'' '_

_'What, why are you sorry?'' _

_''That you went through that alone, I wasn't there to help you.'' _

_''You have nothing to be sorry for.''_

_''I love you Jennifer.''_ He kissed me and it felt good. I was good, his hands moved to my cheeks and that's where it went bad. I felt like Hastings was touching my face and I backed off.

_''JJ, I'm sorry I should have thought about it.''_

_''I- I'm sorry, I need to clear my head.''_ I said, I walked to the door and shut it before he could stop me. I heard the door open from behind be but I was already on the street and started running. The first tear streamed down as soon as I ran out of our street but it was getting dark so no one would notice.

I ran for a while, trying to clear my head. I had to tell him, now that I know I had to tell him. i wasn't sure yet but he deserved to know this time. Flashbacks came back into my mind.

_If I were you I would save my strength._

I ran into the forrest, ignoring the pain in my body. I just kept running trying to get the images out of my head.

_You have five seconds to give me what I want._

I could still see Askari's face when he said that, and Matt's body when it fell to the ground. Hastings was right, it was my fault, I killed him. I'm the reason he's dead.

_Give us the code or I'll make sure you lose more than a baby_

The tears ran over my cheeks. I just wanted to forget, I just wanted to feel normal again. It started to rain but I kept running. The pain in my body was unbearable but I kept going. Hoping it would all go away.

_I know you lost a baby, but we could make you another one._

I could still feel his hands on my body, the tears I didn't shed then, came falling down now. I just wanted it all to go away. I ran towards home. I had no idea how long I'd been gone. A car stopped next to me and Will jumped out.

_''JJ, I was so worried. I searched for you. I thought something happened.''_

I didn't say anything, I just hugged him. The tears and rain droppping upon Will's jacket.

_''Let me take you home JJ.''_

I got into the car and looked at the time. I had been out in the rain, running for nearly two hours. When Will was about to drive of I spoke.

_''I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Matt is dead and-'' _

_''JJ, this is not your fault. Matt's dead is not your fault. I want to help you JJ, I really do but you've to do something for me.'' _I looked at him, confused.

_''Let me in JJ. Talk to me, it's the only way I can help you.''_

I knew Will would be here, always so I had to tell him. Will deserved the truth so I gathered all my strength.

_''Will, I have to tell you something.''_

_''Learning__ to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.'' ~_ **Isaac Watts**


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